i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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