alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
