meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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