So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
