Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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