but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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