Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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