If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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