Say something about gay babies.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
