glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
