So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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