my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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