shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
