dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
