How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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