i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
