I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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