When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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