My liver just broke up with me...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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