in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
