It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
