1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
