Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
