I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
