i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
