my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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