i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
