You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
