We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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