we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
