Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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