it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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