He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
