I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
