Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
