Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
