We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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