btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
