So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
