i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
