I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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