Do you still have your period?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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