See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
