You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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