smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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