hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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