I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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