I think my fart just growled at me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
