I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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