I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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