our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
