I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
