Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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